What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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