you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
