The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
