defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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