I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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