my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
