she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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