Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She bit a glass in half.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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