you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
