i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
