My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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