dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
