so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
