You made me cry and you don't even care
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
