Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
