I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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