She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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