I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize