so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
