Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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