I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
