Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize