Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
