apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
