just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
