Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
