i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
A bitchslap is in order.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
