you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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