if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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