Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
