my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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