I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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