I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize