Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
