dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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