Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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