Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
