I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
