omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
