Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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