Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
