I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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