Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
