is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
