Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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