If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
