Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
