I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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