Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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