My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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