i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
