Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
