a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
