Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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