Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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