I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
