hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
