I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
