thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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